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Newsletters>
Halloween and Trying on Your "New Face"
October 8, 2007
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Halloween is a festive time of trying on a new “face” and
being someone different for a night. Why not extend this
notion and use this as a time to try out something new in
your life? How many of us run away from who we are because
we don’t like what we see? You may have gotten messages
over the years from family, friends, society, etc. that
have been damaging to your self-esteem. When those
negative messages are internalized, they begin to affect
how you view yourself in the world.
Fluctuations in self-esteem or feelings about one’s self
are fairly common, and happen to most of us. Over time
however, if we aren’t careful, and if we don’t work to
preserve our esteem, we eventually destroy our spirit—the
core of who we are—whether it be through constant
bombardment of negative self-statements, allowing ourselves
to experience chronic stress and its physical detriments,
engaging in self-damaging behaviors (such as substance
abuse, other bodily abuse), staying in an unhealthy/abusive
relationship, or feeling chained to a job that causes
aggravation and yields little satisfaction.
As I say to many of my clients, there is unfortunately
no “magic bullet” to solve the complex issues in our
lives--issues like dealing effectively with stress,
increasing self-esteem, and living a fulfilling life. I’d
like to share some suggestions for trying new techniques
that can eventually lead to self-acceptance and feeling
better about who you are. In the spirit of Halloween,
let’s try on some “new faces” or new ways that can last a
lifetime instead of just one night in late October:
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1. Self-esteem and confidence are usually based on our
prior experience of how well we’ve done in certain
situations. But no matter how much we accomplish, we
sometimes can only focus on the situations where we’ve
failed or did not do well. Not only do we focus on our
failures, but we frequently dismiss or forget about what we
did indeed accomplish. We get so lost in the big picture,
that we fail to give ourselves credit for the small wins of
day to day life. No matter how small or simple your
accomplishment, CELEBRATE YOUR WIN!! Feel good about the
small stuff (is any accomplishment *really* ever “small”?).
I invite you to list one thing that you did each day that
made you feel good. My biggest accomplishment last week
was not the fact that a paper I wrote was accepted in a
leading health journal, but instead, it was putting
together a tricycle (ok, admittedly with a little bit of
colorful language) for my 2 year old daughter, and seeing
the look on her face as I carried her shiny new pink
tricycle up the driveway!
2. We are sometimes programmed as women to base our good
feelings on what others think of us—thus, we are placing
our self-worth and value in the hands of others. While the
need for acceptance and approval from others can at times
be a source of pleasure, when this need becomes excessive,
it affects our health and well-being. Studies in my own
laboratory have shown that women with an excessive
(“excessive” meaning it can affect health in a negative
way) dependence and need for approval from others show
significantly higher increases in blood pressure and
production of stress hormones than those women with less of
a need for approval. Over time, these increases in blood
pressure and stress hormones can negatively affect many
different aspects of your health, and lead to chronic
illness. The bottom line is that, while it is natural to
seek acceptance from others, we must also look to our inner
selves for approval and acceptance. Rely on your own
opinion and thoughts and recognize your inner strength and
sense of judgment.
3. Talk to yourself in a positive and nurturing manner and
stop listening to the inner critic who demands perfection.
I remember a difficult time in my life when I constantly
and unmercifully pelted myself with thoughts of anything
and everything that could go wrong, self-doubt and other
negative thinking. I had to learn to stop myself from the
constant barrage of self-assault, and instead ask myself a
simple, yet powerful question: “Is there any particular
reason you feel the need to punish yourself at this
moment?” This statement not only helped me stop the
barrage, but also allowed me to realize that I was indeed
punishing myself and needed to stop this damaging thinking.
4. Take care of your own needs. At a recent seminar, I
discussed how we feel selfish or frivolous when we make
time to take care of ourselves. I invite you to do
something good for yourself. (If you would like a list of
suggestions, please email me and I can rattle off at least
100.) If you feel uncomfortable about it, treat it as an
“assignment.” This may sound trite, but again, what have
you got to lose by giving it a shot? I am always surprised
at how many clients, after trying this, say, “wow, that was
hard, but it felt really good!”
5. Set realistic goals. Time after time, I see people
cramming 30 hours worth of activity and work into a 24 hour
day and then berate themselves when they fail to accomplish
what they felt they should have. Break large tasks down
into manageable pieces and check off each time you complete
one of those pieces. You’ll find yourself accomplishing
more, and feeling better about what you have mastered and
completed.
6. Surround yourself with people who do not drain or
criticize you. This does not mean dump your family or
friends if they fall into that category, but perhaps it is
time to seek out, and be around, more people who give you
positive energy and can bring out the best in you, rather
than those who drag you down.
7. If you have chronic feelings of hopelessness and low
self-esteem, take action to help yourself feel better. In
addition to talking with a trusted friend or family member,
get the support you may need, whether it be from a
therapist, life coach, support group, or other activity.
And remember…you are your best source of empowerment.
Happy Halloween!
Marie
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