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Oh No, It's the Holidays! Tips on Lowering Stress
December 12, 2007
No topic brings so many mixed reactions from people than
that of the holidays. This article is not meant to tell
anyone how to have a good holiday, but instead, how to live
in the moment, and make the best of a time of year when
expectations and pressures are high to have a “Happy
Holiday.” While the intentions of those wishing us a “Happy
Thanksgiving,” “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukah,” etc.,
are usually good and pure, the truth of the matter is that
the holidays are not always a Norman Rockwell scene of joy,
celebration, and merriment with the perfect family.
Instead, they can be a source of stress, isolation, family
conflict, disillusionment, and financial strain, and for
the LGBT community these issues may be amplified.
Part of the problem is that the media and commercial
establishments dictate to us what the holidays should look
like. This may lead us to sometimes have unrealistic
expectations and anticipation of how we should feel, what
we should spend, and what we should do to be appropriately
festive. And if you’re LGBT, there may be an additional
layer of holiday angst. If you are transgendered and in the
midst of transitioning, how will your family react? If you
are not out to your family, how does your
partner/girlfriend/boyfriend fit into the picture? There
may be anger at what may seem like a forced separation if
you have to spend the holidays apart from your partner. How
do you negotiate spending time with everyone? Does your
family treat you as a couple or is your partner treated
like an outsider?
Hopefully, I have not brought you down with my Scrooge-like
holiday depiction or by bringing up these issues. In fact,
the goal of this article is to actually reduce your stress,
not create more, so please read on as I share some
suggestions of ways to reduce stress during this very
hectic and challenging time of year:
1. Plan time for yourself and learn to say “no.” We will
not hesitate to overbook and spread ourselves thin to go to
events we don’t really want to go to, shop until midnight
in crowded malls, bake enough cookies for an army (all the
while complaining about each of these), and work overtime,
but we find it nearly impossible to take even an hour for
ourselves to regroup and relax. You’ll be at your best to
give to others when you have taken care of your own needs.
Schedule time to be good to yourself, whether it be quietly
walking through the forest, treating yourself to a massage,
taking a hot bath, reading in bed, meditating, etc. There
is nothing wrong or selfish about tending to your own good
health and well-being.
2. Have realistic expectations for your family. If your
family is normally argumentative and unresponsive, chances
are, they aren’t going to magically change during the
months of November and December. Your usually conservative
parents may not be any more accepting of your coming out
announcement just because it is the time of “thanksgiving
or “peace on earth.” (I learned this the hard way, when I
saved my coming out announcement many years ago, for a
“lesser” holiday—Memorial Day and boy, was it memorable.)
If you are planning on spending an extended amount of time
with your family of origin and you find that you are
usually uncomfortable half-way through your visit, plan
time where you can give yourself some space. Keep in touch
with your support network and those important to you while
away. Have a sense of “radical acceptance,” knowing that
your family may never change, but what you do have under
your control is how you choose to react (or not react) to
them or how you choose to let them affect you.
3. Incorporate your own traditions and rituals into the
holidays either by yourself or with significant others.
Choose something that has meaning for you and defines what
is important to you. While my partner and I enjoy both of
our families’ traditions, we have developed our
own—traditions that have special significance and are in
tune with our life values and core beliefs.
Related to this, many LGBT individuals are estranged from
their family of origin. It is important, not just during
the holiday season, but throughout the year, to redefine
“family,” and celebrate life with those who support you,
not only those biologically tied to you.
4. Spirituality does not have to map onto “traditional”
religions. Celebrate your spiritual self in whatever ways
bring you peace and harmony. For example, you may not feel
any great need to attend a church service, but instead may
find your inner peace and sanctuary in nature, or in any
other situation that grounds you and gives you perspective.
5. This time of year can be a good time to reach out to
others--doing volunteer work, donating food, items or your
time, extending an invitation or talking to a friend who is
going through a difficult time. Perhaps your experience
will inspire your volunteer efforts throughout the year.
6. Create your own happiness. At a seminar I recently gave,
I discussed how we are constantly wishing our lives away.
For example, how many times have you said, “I’ll be happy
when __________________” (you fill in the blank), only to
find out that when you finally have ________________, you
are still unfulfilled, and then merely move on to the next
“I’ll be happy when….” Happiness and fulfillment do not
drop out of thin air onto our laps on a magic day in the
future—we must live in the present and make our happiness
today. Focus on what you do have and take time to find one
good aspect about the day or something to be thankful for.
7. If you have chronic feelings of sadness and
hopelessness, take action to help yourself to feel better.
In addition to talking with a trusted friend or family
member, get the support you may need, whether it be from a
spiritual leader, therapist, support group, or other
activity. And remember…you are your best source of
empowerment during difficult and stressful times.
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